Grumble Grumble

It is at times like this when I regret that I am reading the comic online and not in hard copy. Because if it were in hard copy I could tear it or throw it against the wall. Here I am left to only grumble internally and/or externally. But seriously folks. This is not clever. OK, bridesmaids dresses are funny looking usually, that way the bride is the prettiest. I'm confused as to why this young girl knows about prom. It's a long ways away, you don't even need to worry about getting a date for a year or two. At which point you should start figuring this out, lest you have to take your cousin.

Finally, a Good Idea

Well done Fred. You thought of a good idea. However, let me point out the flaws. First, there are probably dividers in his golf bag, so you wouldn't fit. Two, he wouldn't have his clubs, so he wouldn't be walking anymore, thus your whole pretense would be flawed. Third, well. there is no third. What I wonder is what kind of golf course allows dogs. Don't get me wrong. Dogs are good. So is golf. But together it's not the best idea. But maybe if it's such a progressive golf course they have dog carrying attachments. Just a thought.

I would too

Hilarious. This child, instead of using the word 'fell' which takes away the action from the spoon, uses 'left me' implying some sort of agency. Ha. He is giving agency to an inanimate object. Sense the sarcasm? People switch word choice all the time. It's not funny. Unless this young man was involved in a romantic relationship with the spoon, and after years of abuse it finally got the courage to leave. Then I say, good for the spoon, the kid is a jerk, and oops indeed. You blew it pal. That spoon was a once in a lifetime spoon.

Especially Not You

Fred clearly has a trouble with authority. He goes out of his way to nitpick the rules that are obviously geared against him. The sign clearly means that if x is a dog, x is not allowed in the store. Perhaps they should have written it in FOL to make it more explicit, but I really don't think that's necessary. What is in this store that is so intriguing? Can't he just use his puppy dog face and get whatever lies within? Also, should I be impressed that Fred can read? Or just frightened? Or both?

It's Not Fair

Kids these days don't really understand what fair means. If something is unfair, it means that of two or more supposedly equal participants, one has an advantage. Everyone stays the same age for a year, that's almost how it's defined. So to say it's unfair is to say that having only 24 hours in a day is unfair. And that would be wrong. So learn what your words mean, you now 7 year old piece of uneducated crap.

TV

NOT FUNNY NOT FUNNY NOT FUNNY. Great. There are a lot of televisions to choose from. Economics tells us that more choices are better, but when they prevent you from making decisions it might not be so. Great. But there's no humor in that. None at all. We all encounter this problem, but we get over it and make a decision. Also, why is the dog at the electronics store? Shouldn't he be at home?

Funny Title

Who are you talking to? You realize that the only way the pig gains weight is if you put coins in it? Granted, you could put other things in it, but that wouldn't be the kind of weight gain you want. It would be like if it all went to the pig's hips. And that's no good. I'm glad that he's able to overcome the media's fixation on slenderness to realize that, in some situations, weight is good. Like here, or in the bottom of a basketball net so Ben Elias doesn't knock it onto a car.

Clever Title

I get it. You're losing money because people are watching cartoons with 30 frames a second, not just two. Why don't you whine about it some more? That will make me want to buy your books more. I don't understand why he's watching the TV if it's broken. That does show a pretty sad existence, but then again, wouldn't you be sad if Fred Basset were your dog?

So Hungry

So at first I thought they were looking out the window. And I was confused/enraged. Then I realized it was the TV. OK, this makes more sense. But why does he think that people eat only at restaurants? Clearly he's eaten at his dining room table, or on a picnic, or at school. Restaurants provide only a small portion of meals. Also, spelling his pronunciation of 'have to' as 'hafta' is just annoying. It's not endearing, it's just frustrating. I hate you.

EDIT: So although it says restrooms, I was hungry, so I read it as restaurants. The analysis would be pretty similar with the word switch.

What is a Sandboy?

OK Fred. People have good and bad days. And when they are having a good day, it is more pleasant to be around them. But you don't really need to comment on it. And you also don't have to use French. Do you think that makes you so cool, just because you went to France doesn't mean you should insert one French word in all of your statements. If you want to speak French, that's fine, but don't throw French words around to be pretentious. And what is a Sandboy? I could google it, but that would be letting Alex Graham win. And I can't do that.

The Results are In!

In a stunning 4-2 victory, Family Circus wins the eye-gouge-desire poll. I would agree. Family circus is more of a THIS ISN'T CUTE, WHY AM I READING THIS comic, while Fred Basset is more of a THAT IS NOT A FUNNY STATEMENT comic. I agree with my readers.

Sticky Situation

Perhaps it is. Perhaps it's just filled to the brim with other things. Perhaps it's locked because that's where mommy and daddy keep there special 'juice enhancers.' I don't think her conclusion is correct. It also forces one to inquire as to why she did not clean the spill in the first place? What kind of irresponsible 8 year old is she? If you spill something, especially something adhesive, you should clean it up, lest anything become stuck to it. Such inconsideration demonstrates and generation lacking morals and common sense. For shame.

How Droll

Alex Graham, I commend you. You are the first person to realize the inherent humor in the fact that the word 'right' means both correct and the opposite of left. No one has every made such an astute observation before, nor utilized its potential humor. But seriously, this joke is older than the gatorade juice box from 1997 I found in my cupboard last year. Does he really think this is creative? Or still funny? Granted, the first time everyone notices this, like when someone asks "Which way do I turn? Left?" and you respond "Right" that the meanings lead to opposite actions. But this first happened when you were 6. It was OK to laugh then. Not now, though.

Confused?

Most comics, although not funny, I usually understand what's going on. Here, I do not. Are they Bocci balls, that are too hard for him to grasp with his teeth? If so, it serves him right for trying to disrupt a perfectly pleasant game. However, seeing as it looks like they are near a street, the odds of people playing Bocci in said street are low. So I have no idea what's going on. It's not so much that it's not funny, it's that it doesn't make sense. Which is funny in a way? I guess it's pretty meta.

Idiocy

Jeffy, your little theory makes no sense. First, some leaves turn yellow, others turn red, brown and orange. Second, why would the leaves become green in spring when your precious school bus is still around. There is very little correlation between school bus presence and leaf color. And no causation. The two are not related at all. Do you think this is a new process, that when there were no school buses leaves stayed green all year? That's very naive of you. Now get yourself to science class so you can learn. Please.

Knock-Knock

What we have here is basically a collection of knock-knock joke openers. Words that sound like other words when slightly mispronounced. This in no way makes me want to laugh. On the contrary, it frightens me by making me consider the terrible lack of diction of our young people. The drawing, I must admit, is pretty good for a seven year old...almost too good. I suspect foul play. Also, why does he know words like sanctuary and coincide? This must have been written by a 10 year, a 9 year old at the youngest. Let me see a birth certificate please.

Laziness is a virtue

I don't get it. I thought they were in France. Anyway, you'd think that a writer would save his best stuff for Sunday. And in this case it's, unfortunately, true. This is the most clever one of the week, which is like saying you had the fastest tortoise. Not great. I agree with Fred's sentiment: if he doesn't want to play, use non-verbal cues to indicate as such. But I say, go one step further. Don't get the ball. Just lie down and take a nap. Then your owner will have to go get the ball he just threw. How humiliating. Here also you're making more work for the other dog. What did he do to you? Have some respect and do the right thing.

Oui Oui

Nothing terribly wrong with the premise of this comic. The family goes to France and people are nice. And then something crazy happens...And then a French dog steals Fred's bone...and then someone says the word Banana...Nope. None of this. The entire comic is the observation that people are nice. There is NOTHING FUNNY HERE! NOTHING! I can't imagine thinking any humorous thoughts after reading this comic. Sentences are not inherently funny. Add something. Please. Please, for once, prove me wrong.

Stupid Kids

THAT's BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE INK! Idiot. That's like saying you like riding your bike because it never runs out of gas. I don't even know if that's a true statement, since it doesn't have gas to begin with. She's forgetting that crayons wear down, if they're crappy they break, and freaking crayola makes you by 64 when you're using maybe 8 of them, 16 tops. Perhaps she would be best fitted to using the Paint function on her computer. That doesn't run out of ink nor does it wear down. Also, Crayons? If you want to be considered a serious artist, pick another medium. When was the last time you saw crayone in the Lourve?

Big Fat F

I understand superstitions. That part makes sense. But what school is this kid going to that in kindergarten they a) have math tests and b) have some people fail them. Kindergarten school should be about everyone learning to share. We start classifying people later. His mother should not be as concerned about what shirt he wears as she should be about her school district's misplaced priorities and her son's inability to add. For shame.

We get it Fred. You're excited that you're going to France. Why then are you filling up on French food in America? This stuff will taste like crap compared to what you will eat across the pond. Also Fred, you should not be excited about chocolate. That stuff can kill you. I'm with you on the other things I (well, the ones which I can translate), but chocolate is not your friend. Also, it looks like the car is parked on the lawn. Good parking job Fred's owners (companions?)

A Fairy poorly written cartoon

The second day in a row that Family Circus allows to invoke my humongous logical and philosophical training. Jeffy believes that having a Fairy Godmother is a necessary (but of course, not sufficient, for a fairy godmother who gets drunk and hooks up with Santa is certainly not a fairy tale) condition for a story to be a fairy tale. Although, when you think about the name, fairy tale would imply the inclusion of some fairy. But something must have made the bears act in a human like manner, so perhaps the fairy was present there. Also, let me point out that, no matter how accurate a statement it is, there is no way anyone could consider it funny. Where is the humor? This continues to boggle my mind. If anyone has ever laughed at a Family circus cartoon, and not in the 'how could things get any worse' kind of laugh, please let me know.

Narcissus

No Fred, it should not. Although I imagine the GB stands for "Great Britain," it can stand for whatever you like. That's part of the fun. If you want it to address you, perhaps "Good Boy" or maybe "Great Basset." Or if you're of another mind, "Green bananas" or "Goofy Ballerinas." The list could go on and on. But if certainly does not refer. This also raises the point that Fred Basset is a terrible name for a dog. Why isn't is name just Fred? You don't see people naming their children Steve Human, or even their pets Rex Goldendoodle. There's no need for Basset, and frankly, Fred should have enough. He should drop it and become a one-name person like Cher or Ichiro.

Child pain

Logically, his statement makes sense. The toe that went to the market refers to the same toe he could point to. I'm just troubled that he has to associate his digits with ideas, not for what they are. If someone asked me which finger I cut on broken glass and needed nine stitches on, I wouldn't reply "The one with which you show your displeasure by leaving that finger and only that finger erect." As true as it may be, it's just not helpful. Also, let's pause to look at the star shooting out of the kid's foot. I know that stink lines mean someone stinks, but since when does a star mean that's where someone was hurt. Stars are happy. Either the artist is dumb or the kid now shoots stars from his foot, making him the world's most deadly comic strip character. For all of our sakes, let's hope the former.

Viva la France

This is one of those times when I wonder if the artist truly believes that this comic is capable of making people laugh. I hope he doesn't, because that would mean his sense of humor is so skewed he may consider Shakespeare's comedies funny. I don't know why Fred is so excited about France. He's a basset hound, a breed of dog with an especially keen sense of smell. And France stinks: the people, the cheese, the anti-Americanism. Fred should be dreading this trip from the start, and let's not even mention the 8 hour plane ride.

The ironing is delicious

Some of you may wish to point out how, in writing this blog, I've actually subjected myself to reading on a daily basis the two comics I hate most. I realize this, but I think the criticism is such that it is clear that this is not an attempt to announce to the world that I read these comics every day, more that I want to share my hate with the world.

Theft is not funny

Poor Fred. Everyone is out to steal his bones. I don't like how the author broke the fourth wall, inserting 'you know' into the second panel. It's as Fred is talking to us. It's enough to believe that a dog has coherent thoughts, in English no less, but to believe that he is talking to me? You've lost me. I am sorry that Fred feels his bone is threatened, but why then, as Jock nears, does he leave it lying in the yard. That's a rookie mistake. When a thief comes around, you guard your possessions tighter, you don't confront them and leave what they want unguarded. If Jock does this frequently, as Fred claims, Fred should have refined his bone-protecting technique. Maybe it's his failure here that leads to the constant theft. Fred, step up your game.

Why doesn't anyone use littlerboxes?

I don't quite understand the premise...is Jeffy saying that PJ should go outside in the yard? Does he not see the many problems this would cause, since children are not allowed to be outside without adult supervision? And Why does PJ look so ashamed? Don't let Jeffy get you down, this is an opportunity for you to assert your rights as a baby, one who can use a diaper as a bathroom for a year or maybe more. Enjoy it while you can, sometimes the walk to the bathroom feels like miles.

I judge all comics equally

Yes, I hate Fred Basset and Family Circus the most, but if I come across one I hate a lot, or any of my loyal readers point me in the direction of one that is truly awful, I will write about it.

Eyes are Important

Oh my. It looks like the artist had enough to say that he had to use a thought bubble and text under the image. Well my friend, you've wasted more words than usual. It is understandable that a young girl would be upset when her gramma leaves, but this comic supposes she does not understand crying and has never cried before, both of which cannot be true. Also, why are the other two children not crying? Do they feel no emotion? Are women being portrayed as the weak, inferior gender? Or maybe there is something wrong with her eyes, and since correlation doesn't imply causation, maybe it's something that should get checked out. You can't let this one go, mom. She'll be blind by 15...but she never grows up. Dammit.

Homeland Security is not Funny

There are several things wrong with this comic. One, I don't think dogs need passports. Not to say that they shouldn't. The TSA probably would not let Afghan sheepdogs on their flights. Or if they did, all the other dogs would make eyes at each other. Second, Fred, you look fine. Don't be self conscious. All the artist is doing is giving dogs another reason to not finish their bowl of puppy chow, and not just because they're eying that package of Beggin' Strips or Snausages on the counter. Every dog is beautiful. Third, it's not funny. This will be a common theme in my analysis. Just. Not. Funny.

Welcome!

Hello loyal readers-

Everyone loves the comics. They are your reward for getting through the snooze section that is the news, business, and arts section. Some make me laugh out loud, others make me chuckle. But two make me want to throw the newspaper at the wall-Family Circus and Fred Basset. I will try to analyze each of these cartoons daily. And when I say analyze, I mean criticize and rant about. Enjoy!

Simon